Kenapa aku tak nak "Couple"

Di sini aku ingin menulis dalam dwibahasa. Mungkin rojak. Dan juga aku nak bagi sikit warning. At the end of this post you may see how twisted my mind is and I do expect a lot of you to try and neutralize my thoughts. But I let me tell you first that I won't give a damn about your opposition, so don't even bother with your 'shallow' advice. I won't listen.

[gambar utk hiasan je lol]

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Firstly, I don't really deny that I may be able to like someone. I have a crush, I get attracted to hot guys, I'm infatuated by fictional bishonens/pretty boys, and I have favourite male celebrities. However, that does not necessarily mean that I desire a relationship with a guy. And that does not mean that I'm homosexual either. And I don't deny that I like seeing romantic relationship between characters which are not real. It's just a scary thought to be in one. And when I observe real life ones, I can't help but to have a bit of doubts (though in my heart I pray for their happiness).

Dulu aku pernah couple. Nasib baik orang yang aku suka tu yang confess kat aku dulu. 4-5 tahun dulu aku dah ada twisted opinion about couple2 ni. Tapi oleh sebab tak boleh tahan perasaan, aku terima declaration dia. Bila dah couple, tak rasa cam couple pon. aku tak tau samada dia serius ke tak. Dah ler tak call, tak mesej. Makin murung aku sebab tak dilayan. Aku tension gak nape dia nak hide sangat hubungan kita. Lepas tu pulak, hanya berlagak cam couple bila jumpa, bila tak jumpe mcm dilupakan terus.

Aku pulak cam bodo. Kononnya nak terima pasangan aku seadanya. Segala benda tak elok dia tak buat, dan segala kebaikan dia abaikan - aku tak tegur pon. Apa yang aku tak puas hati, I kept it inside. Takot dia marah. Takot dia panggil aku hipokrit. Tapi oleh sebab sifat penakut ni la buat dia amik kesempatan kat aku. Dia buat camtu pon aku tak tau nak marah camne. And his self-centered behaviour caused me to defy my mom. Is that what you're supposed to look for in a partner? I felt like a toy (confirms to be true after I got dumped). All this makes me even more and more depressed, and made me think "kalo dah camni kita, bila dah kawen nnt camne lak?". And I know I'm not quite your ideal girlfriend. Aku tak terer nak manja atau gedik. Maybe I tried but I still have my emotionless/cool self. Maybe I tried too hard but failed?

After the break up, it's obvious that I got sad. Like it's the end of the world. My friends have seen how my depression affected my daily lives; now I'm ashamed of myself that they had to see me like that. I thank them for being supportive. Anyways, after breaking up, it confirms my long ago opinion of "The one who hurts you the most is the one you love most". Correct, no? I'm sure it applies to most of you. You may think that your significant other is the source of your happiness, but once s/he hurt you (even a lil bit), it's a very big deal to you. So how do I avoid from getting extremely hurt? By not showering ultimate love to any non-family members you like. Easy, no?

It's human nature to love and be loved. Yes. I know. But I think I should limit myself to one-sided love (which makes me feel genuinely happy and I'm not doing any effort to menagih cinta) and my family members love me. So what more could I ask?

okay from the God forsaken relationship, I've observed and analyzed my behaviour as a 'girlfriend'. It's just too bad that I'm not girly nor sporty, but more towards nerdy and weird in terms of psychological thinking. Pastu aku jenis tak suka share buah fikiran tentang topik tertentu, dan aku tak suka share sangat pasal benda yang aku gilakan (contoh video game apa yang sedang dimain). Cakap pasal video game, bila dah depan PS2 tu aku lupa segala manusia yang wujud disekelilingku. Looks like I prioritize video games more than a boyfriend (alah, ex aku pon bazir duit main online game, bila nak date dgn aku ckp takde duit =_=. He owes me big monehh).

Nak kata aku leh jadi gf orang dgn cara tersendiri? Then setakat jadi awek orang je la. Kalo bab nak jadi potential wife, sori la. Aku mana pandai masak. Aku tak kemas bilik. Aku suka menyendiri - entah nak layan suami kat katil ke tak lol. Bila nak kerjakan hobi aku, aku tak suka orang tengok. Aku tak suka orang persoalkan apa aku buat dan objektifnya. Soalan simple cam 'ko tengah buat apa tu?' pon sudah cukup untuk buat aku rasa terganggu.

Pastu yang tak bleh blah pasal couple ni.... sebelum ada awek/balak sume nye ok. Skali dah ada partner, satu hari tak jumpe dah rindu. Pastu bila gadoh/clash mula la fikir "I can't live without you" la blablabla. LOL I used to think that way, and I'm laughing at my past self. Lawak la jadi org ketagih cinta ni. I have ego which turns me into a tough girl. I can't live without you are for wusses. Weak. Pathetic. Useless. Ungrateful cretins. Imbecile.

You forgot - Your family is fukken there and God watches over you.

Alrighty, God comes into the paragraph.
I know I'm in no place to preach, but let me just say what I need to say. I don't care if you call me a hypocrite, because I believe everyone is one.
Bila dah bercinta dengan manusia lain, kita sering lupa Allah. Well, kadang2 tu ada korang sebut korang doakan kebahagiaan antara korang berdua daripada-Nya. Tapi kalo dah belum kawen tu, betul ke cara tu ek? Aku tak kisah la kalo korang nak suka menyukai dan kononnya pandai2 elakkan 'zina', tapi kalo dah sentuh2 tu korang mesti lupa hukumnya haram. Pastu yang xleh blah gak, baru je kapel beberapa bulan dah act like husband and wife. Contohnya dah siap plan nak namakan anak apa, nak rumah camne, nak kereta camne. Lagi2 yang perempuan jadi semangat gila nak jadi isteri terbaik. Macam dah konfem je laki/pompuan tu bakal suami/isteri ko. Lain la kalo korang dah buat solat istikharah... tapi aku tau tak ramai yg buat ni. Asal dapat, dapat la. Laki pulak, belum habis study dah nak serius giler. Belum tau keje apa kelak.

Bila dah patah hati... mula la merungut... stuff like, "God does not love me". But ask yourself first, did you love God? Itu persoalannya. Sila fikir baik2 why did you deserve that fate...

one more thing... bila korang couple... and bila korang berada di sisi pasangan anda... are you aware of the devil? Ada makhluk yang cuba nak bawak korang ke arah yang salah. Ingat tu.

And I'm not saying this just because I have only one failed relationship. Like I said earlier, I already have this kind of thinking even before I had a boyfriend. And I conclude this from my observation/analysis on others' relationships as well.

Okay, sampai la ke point nape aku taknak couple:
1. i'm obsessed with my privacy. I don't want anyone to invade my space.
2. I suck at being gedik or girly.
3. Aku malas nak risau pasal hal orang lain (kekasih) sedangkan masalah sendiri belum diselesaikan lagi. Baik aku risau pasal hal sendiri.
4. tak nak rasa depress bila dibuang. I'd rather not risk it.
5. Malas nak menagih cinta. Taknak rasa cam orang lemah.
6. Sesungguhnya orang yang menyayangi anda lebih ramai (kawan2 dan keluarga) lebih ramai daripada sekor manusia yang 'mencintai' anda.
7. Elakkan maksiat (walopun aku tau aku still buat maksiat lain). Kalo berjaya elakkan sex, tak semestinya boleh lari daripada sentuh menyentuh dan berpelukan. Geli siot. Depends on kekuatan mental/iman anda, anytime setan bole bisik kat pasangan suruh 'terlanjur'.
8. aku tak percaya laki zaman sekarang.

entah apa lagi mau tambah. ni je sempat aku fikirkan kot. (kalo ada apa2 yang lain aku edit je).

Hah. tu la. Belum masuk topik "Kenapa aku tak nak kawen" lagi. Tu dah lain citer. Ada kerajinan dan semangat aku tulis la.

And if you wanna start typing "Don't worry, you'll find your true love" then DON'T! Sebab aku dah nyampah dengan 'nasihat' tu. It's sickening. Kalo ada orang letak jugak ayat tu dan sewaktu dengannya... then be prepared to get nuclear bomb from me. I don't expect you to agree with me either.

I've voiced out my opinion. Forgive me if you're offended.