Sebenarnya aku pon lemah juga...

Bila kena tegur oleh Prof Harith aka "Professor of Doom" (dia sendiri mengaku), aku pulak jadi mangsa ayat 'terus terang'. Betul katanya, I'm a poor student. Tapi dia tak perlu la kritik pasal headphone aku kat leher, sedangkan dia sendiri pakai informal. lulz.

Walaupun dah tau kita ni study main2 je... dan study untuk exam... buat eksperiment just nak cukupkan jam kredit... tapi bila kena tegur baru la aku 'terasa'. Rasa cam nak nangis pon ada.

Thanks Prof Harith, selama ni aku yg straightforward kat orang, aku pulak kena.

Aku kata aku kuat kan...
tapi kelemahan aku ialah... er... ada yg lebih mendalam. Tapi aku sebenarnya sensitif. Kadang2 benda remeh korang ckp pon leh buat aku terasa, tapi aku diam, aku push it aside sebab perkara kecik je. Aku takkan lupa. Tapi aku buat bodo. Lama2 aku tak fikirkan sangat pasal tu.

Kelemahan lagi... aku ni suka bangga diri. Walaupun aku rendah diri daripada kebanyakan orang (contohnye... aku tak suka mengaku diri ni comel. Oops, aku kenakan org lagi...), ada je something pasal diriku yang aku bangga sangat.

Kelemahan lagi... Risau sgt kat kawan? being protective. Rasa cam nak lindungi orang lain. Kadang2 aku buat hal peribadi diorang jadi cam masalah aku lak. Bukan aku paksa diri.. aku tau takde orang mintak. tapi perasaan cam nak jadi 'hero' ni datang secara semulajadi. Aku taknak tengok diorang dilukai lagi. Or worse, taken advantage of.
Tapi cara aku sangat unik dan susah untuk diterima... sebab walopun aku cuba lindungi orang lain, aku tak pandai jaga hati orang. Aku main lepas cakap sukati aku... walopun cara aku tak berhikmah, tapi ada hikmah sebaliknya. Macam apa Prof Harith buat kat aku. Dia tak jaga hati student pon. Walopun aku sendiri tak puas hati, tapi aku boleh relate dgn cara dia... maka aku faham kenapa dia buat camtu kat aku. Menggerunkan, tapi sangat kakkoiiii!

Aku sayang kawan2ku... walaupun diorang penah sakitkan hati aku... walaupun aku tak puas hati dengan diorang. Aku cuma gagal tunjukkan appreciation atau 'kasih sayang' je. Biasanye dgn kata2 kejamku ada maksud tersirat. Tapi aku ni tak mudah untuk difahami - takde sape yang memahami aku. Tapi takpe. Aku memang lebih suka kalo orang tak faham aku. Entah sape dapat terima aku begini. Tahniah kalo berjaya endure with me.

Which leads to kelemahan paling kritikal aku; iaitu perasaan tidak layak dilahirkan. Aku malas nak citer... tapi rasanye lagi teruk daripada masalah anda.

About the last post... aku tak sebut sape nama. Perenggan tengah2 tu pulak secara umum.

I'm sorry, again.

I keep telling you to be strong....

...but instead you chose to depend on to a man you just met.

We, a bunch of us, are always there for you, more than a single random guy who puts on a romanticist facade for the sake of first impression.

As a friend, I am deep down... offended... that you ignored words of advice from the ones who knew you longer and hang out with you more... that you seek company and entertainment to fill in your 'empty space' from a new acquaintance. How sure are you that he is trustworthy?


***

If someone says that he or she is lonely (for being single), then it's an utter BULLSHIT. Because s/he already has supporting friends and loving family. But I pity him/her for turning a blind eye towards their existence, or simply use them as listening ears to express their illusion of happiness and shoulders to cry on when their 'lovers' betray them. In the end you crawl back to your friends, but at the same time you worship your lover like a god. Speaking of which, you even pray to God to legalize adultery (even if it's just minor things like holding hands).

***

I admit that I've been in a relationship before. But it's already been MORE THAN ONE YEAR of being single and I didn't give a fuck about being lonely. I AM NOT DESPERATE to have boyfriends or look for future husbands. Becos I realize that I should appreciate the existence of those who genuinely love me and make my days meaningful - and it does not have to be a 'significant other'.

but I'll always be loyal to my hime-sama *___*

***

Even if I disapprove, I'll protect you no matter what.

You have no idea... no idea how worried I am... u__u

***
I'm disappointed, really. You're a smart girl. But you're not strong as I am. I'm sorry....
(i know i'm cowardly that I'm not able to confront her IRL, but I just feel like writing this. not that I mind if she comes across this...)

p/s: this post makes me look like I have multi-personality disorder O_O

A tsundere's kad raya giveaway

This is like the continuation from my Anti-hero post.

Right, so after a series of scarring people's hearts, apparently I won over Darkside. So I guess as much as I try to be heartless, I fail. D:

Vixcenn has been nagging me to apologize, at the same time Faux was too ego to let me act. Meaning that I don't have the guts to say sorry in front of people, with a seriously sentimental face.

So I wasted my gil on a bunch of Kad Raya. I haven't distributed these cards since I graduated from high school. But I guess I needed to apologize to people involved somehow, and the cards are my only medium. Especially for Aidilfitri, where Maaf Zahir Batin is pretty much the overrated theme (not that it's wrong though XD). So I took the oppurtunity to write out my feelings on paper.

I spent one hour of lecture writing a few paragraphs. Ignoring the lecturer. Lucky the hall was too big and it looked like I was writing notes. Heh.

It was a last minute work. I spent all night completing my wretched lab reports.

Just for your info, the contents of the messages are general and standard. not much difference from one another but I used different sentences and add a few thoughts regarding the person. I admit about my straightforwardness. How I hurt people even if there's something good behind me cruelest honesty. The most importnat thing is that I say "I don't expect you to forgive me, but I forgive you. Even if you've pissed me off before, I'd never hate you".

However, I distributed them almost at the end of the day telling them to read when they get back home.

Friend: Can I read now?

Me: No you can't!!!!

Friend: why not??

Me: It's embarrassing!

Yikes, there's no way I wanna see their response after reading it... in front of me or so. I'd like them to read after all the goodbyes before the holiday starts, so that I don't need to face them or pretend that I didn't do anything nice *blushes*. This evening was the best time to do so. Yea well, they see me as the antagonist what...

Too bad I didn't get to write to everyone I know. Time is an enemy.

Selamat Hari Raya to my Muslim brothers and sisters. May God bless you :3

VieN: The Anti-hero

"The Antihero is someone with some of the qualities of a villain, up to and including brutality, cynicism, and ruthlessness, but with the soul or motivations of a more conventional Hero." [source: http://www.flowerstorm.net/disa/Gallery/anti-explain.html ]
Examples are; Raito Yagami (Death Note), Lelouch Lamperouge (Code Geass), Gregory House (House MD).

Basically, you can either love them or hate them. If you can read them like a book.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a "villain" in people's eyes.
Well, I kind of noticed this a long time ago. I know I've been harsh. I can't remember since when I adapted that attitude. Sometimes I intentionally do it to test people. If you can endure my sarcasm, then congratulations! You've passed!

Perhaps, I inherited this sarcastic behaviour from my mother. And the way I meant for it as a joke was often misunderstood as an insult because I have this serious shit look on my face. Some people are just too sensitive. But they had no idea that I have my own sensitivity too, which I barely show because I'm too secretive.

My own sensitivity may lead to a slip up due to my short temper. From being too cynical, I can become totally direct. I made my victim angry. I made a girl cry. But I didn't do it because I like it. Often I did it as a part of my vengeance - "you made me feel bad before, and this is how I repay you". If you cry because of what I said, then please think if what you said has a potential to hurt someone else. One can be sensitive, but only for him/herself but not to those around you.

Funny how I was condemn for stating something careless, but I was condemn again when I criticize someone else for being careless. When in truth I was siding the person who condemn me to make up for what I said. And when I finally have the spirit to cooperate, someone else was bursted the bubble. So I had to do something... something I failed to do and should have done during my previous leadership. I had to inflict a pressure, I had to exert a force. For a friend's sake and another.

...
But they saw me as an antagonist. They don't see the good beyond my poisonous words. They don't know, and they will never know. And I will never know but to only guess the wrongs I did. I am an anti-hero indeed.

I guess it's like I intentionally make people hate me because I think people are better off without a b1tch like me. I don't wanna be a friggin' important person in someone else's life. Let's say I fear the thing called 'attachment'. It's for the greater good, ne?

Indirectly, I seem to be portraying my alter-ego's (My Original Character; Agent Vulpine) given personality as a lone ranger kuudere. I think I'm reaching the goal.

Hate me all you want. I'm still a friend.
I permit you to talk badly of me behind my back, I don't mind. For I might do the same to you. But I will still be there as a friend.
I may have something against any of you, but that does not mean that I hate you so I continue treating you as normal. I don't believe in hating each other just because we're stupidly dislike each other's qualities. I'll still befriend you.
Even if you turn a blind eye to the friend in me, it does not stop me from being a friend.
I'm not biased, I'm not picky. I'm not the type that categorize who I should treat nicely or who I should treat badly. Regardless of the way I treat you, I treat you all the same. Isn't that what a 'friend' is supposed to be like? Go figure.
I don't care if you regard me otherwise. I'm an anti-hero after all.

In the end, only God is responsible for our judgement.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. There, I apologize. The remnants of the problem is up to you.

Last but not least; here's an important reminder. Don't bother celebrating the birth of this particular fiend. Don't waste your gil. Don't waste your time. I don't anyone to be forced to go for a yippie-yay partay when the fact is that they don't want to. I'm not worth it. I hurt people. A simple wish is more than enough. Present me some peace and quiet then I'll be happy.