Suki...desu ka?

Actually I found this in my draft. I fancy rereading it. It feels like reading someone else's post. I think I shouldn't keep it locked up forever so here I set it free!


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My insides have been slowly freezing perhaps below zero degrees, although I continued breathing. Unexpectedly I am able to survive without the so called 'sunlight', because I have a bunch of colourful fireflies and around me. Then I re-vowed to keep my guard up again, but at the same time just enjoying a few eye-candy and have fun with a virtual hubby >///>

I'm so scared to death to get hurt by happiness, which I myself assume would only last temporarily.

....

I was somehow elected to be involved in something big and serious, but the night I wanted to back out was also the night I came to get interested and agreed to fight together due to sympathy. I feel like I was forced to join, and I forced myself to join... pawned by the lead.

fine fine... it's just work. Then I'll work for experience although I know how lousy and inefficient I am, but I guess I'll just fill in the blanks. However, I regret not proposing for a partner (although I have many subordinates that I couldn't depend on too much..?) as I know I can't work alone. But somehow my ego wants to show the world that I am independent. Look what happens now, I suffer a solitary challenge. I have to endure it... Doing work with a few ounces of sincerety.

...

And for some reason it was worth it...?

....

In the first few serious discussion, we were randomly seated. Suggestions, opinions, ideas exchanged...notes written down, taking orders...faking enthusiasm..? Some interesting word pop up, a feel several taps on my shoulder. How annoying. I turned to response, and was inquired by a colleague what the word means. A new found acquaintance though we had lived in the same area for a year. I answered, coldly at first... but he still have no clue what it was. Somehow...I find it very...adorable.

....

And what is with this random lock-eyes?? Forget it, Vulpy, it's probably a coincidence. Jangan perasan la orang pandang, bak kata Prof Roslan. (nak perasan jugak!!)

....

I barely have enough friendliness to join a colleague in a meal...except for this case. Probably faking friendliness.... or just simply acting normal... or just wanna take this chance to...to talk to him. >///> ...and discover more of his cuteness.

And in other serious events, I did the almost same tactic for my own pleasure. And take other oppurtunities acting subtle as usual. I'm probably desperate... but I guess i need some entertainment. For fun for fun!

And telling this to Jo made me realize that I'm having a major crush. No I am so not in love...i told myself to stay away already. I don't wanna get married!

There was once this time-stopping moment, which Jo said it was a 'flirt'. But can I deny that?

Then comes a night to remember... although I hate more than half of it, mostly due to the fact I couldn't finish revising for test, but I am glad that I forced myself to go...

Only telling me some minor stuff which he didnt tell others... (okay another perasan mode!) then displaying other cute stuff. And took a glimpse of his serious face which is KAKKOI! Actually, that night I was playing cold again, choosing a random chair... but automatically he chose to sit next to me. Coincidence kot. I chose to be in denial again. Face it...I'm probably the only colleague he is comfortable with...so I could be just a friend to LOL with during a boring discussion. We're rude, I know. And little do I expect random things that comes from my mouth is responded with something more than I could ask for (up to the point I asked him to stop lol cos the rudeness towards others is just too much).

...I couldn't sleep that night. BECAUSE I CONSUMED SOME CAFFEINE, OKAY??

It's not like I'm in cloud nine or anything >///>

...or am I? Now I'm starting to get worried. I thought I could just remain it as a crush but my feelings betray me by stepping up to another level. And I DO NOT WANT to admit it. Because I know after this ends, our bond will end with a 'poof' too. And we may not ever see each other again in the coming months... there goes another eyecandy. But I usually don't worry this much over an eyecandy. O_O;;

Jo told me to confess.

That idea doesn't sound to bad...but Hey I'm not that daring/straight-forward. (i am a tsundere, ne?)

I'm not even sure about my feelings either... I could've made the wrong move or fall for the wrong person (whoops I've said it!). I've always fear the risk of getting rejection, and the more reason I want to GTFO.

It will end soon. Knowing that, I can't help feeling a little pinch in my guts. This cannot be serious... T_T

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Hmm I don't exactly remember when I wrote that. but worry not, things are pretty much fine now. I have made my decision!

Although I still like him, I have no desire to capture him as my significant other or whatsoever. Thinking about the way I was in my previous relationship, it is clear that I am obsessed with my own privacy and I wouldn't want anyone to invade my space (be it physically or mentally). Meaning, I like to keep things to myself. Even if I am involved in a new relationship, chances are that I won't be able to tell a boyfriend everything - since today's trend of having boyfriends is to treat them like 'husbands' (even if you do not commit adultery, what difference would it make when you marry?).

I find bliss in one-sided affection. Yes, call me weird...... but I am! XD
I'm satisfied with our friendship. Besides, there is one thing about him that turned me off. Maybe I'd confess to him at a critical moment - where it should be (almost) impossible for us to go one step further. But the impossible is pretty much obvious already considering the difference of our heritage and beliefs. D:

In conclusion: I WANNA BECOME AN OLD LADY LIVING WITH 30+ CATS!!
(xde kaitan pon hwahahaha!)